This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
