Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
