I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
