I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
