: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
