So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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