I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dicks are not precious.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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