Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
