went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
