I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
