for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
