youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
