I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
