Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
