I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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