were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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