I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
