Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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