whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Bring me that man meat
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
