i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
