guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
