Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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