I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
