I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
