I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
