so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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