apparently the secret to your success is patron
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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