they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
