drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What a dumb baby whore.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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