Heybabeimwearingurpanties
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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