I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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