M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
