I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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