So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
