Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
