Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
