Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
