i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
