you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
