I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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