you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
