She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
