he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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