If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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