Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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