im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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