It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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