she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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