Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
