You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I look better un-naked...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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