he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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